Monday, September 29, 2003
sorting things out now. i think my schedule won't be as hectic as it was before. i'm cleaning things out, calling things in. it's like cleaning your room.
and i've only just begun. woo.
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Sunday, September 28, 2003
a couple of posts back (more specifically september 8th, 2003), i posted a topic about the mind and the heart. whether you read it or not, here is the now of my story.
it's been almost a month since that post. many have given me their input, all of them have been helpful. but most helpful was the combination of all of them, what is now my viewpoint.
one person told me, "i am a mind person. dealing with emotions with the heart prolong your decision or conclusion." and i'm sure it does, because figuratively speaking, mind speaks objectively, heart thinks emotionally.
another person told me, "stick with your heart. while the mind sees your problems and adds more, the heart is pure." sure, that seems believable to me, too.
yet another person said, "find the balance in between the two extremes." and i stuck with this one.
you can't be both a mind and a heart person, so i decided to pick neither. by not picking sides, i'm willing to listen from both directions, equally. in doing so, i've found the so-called balance of both sides. whether such place exists matters not; i'm just content with finding my own definition.
and cutting this short, i just want to end with one sentence. it may have a bigger impact on some people i know.
my mind and heart finally concur.
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went to san fran for the weekend.
i stood in front of pier 39 and remembered when we performed there in high school. it good to go back to a place and have great memories floating around for you to grab. good times, good times...
a shout out to members of M.A.C.: the musical arts club is sure to be a blast. that department should be publicized and appreciated more often. jay, good luck!!
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Friday, September 26, 2003
i am so worn out from thinking about what classes i (still) have to take, what classes i am taking, what classes i should drop, what classes might overlap, what classes are impossible to handle due to the distance between the halls, what classes can wait, when i'm actually going to have time to sleep.
i'm just an average college kid.
i'm balancing more than i should be, and it's already taking its toll. i'm taking 9 units more than the average freshman (that's about 2-3 classes more), am part of my residence hall leadership council, and i am in marching band. the coucil takes up part of my monday nights, and band has practice monday and thrusday evenings, not to mention home games, away games, and other performances.
the frenzy begins. wish me luck.
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Thursday, September 25, 2003
groovied up my poetry site. go have a look :)
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Wednesday, September 24, 2003
thoughts of the day:
i am against no belief or idea. but since i am not against them, i am also not for them.
i miss you guys.
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
okay. so i made some changes and things. let me point them out for you.
if you haven't noticed yet, my homepage (the site you're reading now) has got a new outfit. so i hope everyone else likes it.
another thing that i made drastic change to is my calendar. i added some class times, birthdays, trips to anheim... so if you want to see me then, be sure to check my calendar. (by the way, any 2004 year event will not be posted until december this year.)
i added three new poems to my poetry site. they are dedications. more to come.
more than an update later today. i miss you all.
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Monday, September 22, 2003
finally.
it took me about eight hours total to set up this damn computer. i finally got it to work with the help of a technician... whom i met up at the library... which is a 30-minute walk, one-way... in the god awful weather (it must be about 90-degrees out there), but now i'm gunna stop complaining; high-speed internet connection, air-conditioned room... it's all good now.
davis is a big-small town. yeah, let me explain.
davis, california is basically a town built with the college as its foundation. the result? if you take out uc davis, you also take out the town. basically, no college, no town. the land mass and area is pretty big. definitely a bike town. to get around, you might not want a car, for the inconveniece it causes; parking is so limited. but a bicycle would do you great help. you can get around town and the college (almost the same thing) without a bike, too. i have been, since i got here. though it takes longer, you still arrive at your destination if you manage your time well. if you want buff legs, come on over. no joke; my muscles ache all over my feet. but all that aside, davis is very tranquil. some may call it "slow", and it is. people are so laid-back; procrastination is their middle name. but it's something different from socal; everything's so fast there. and i hear that from narcal residents who visit la. but duh, of course la's going to be quick and snappy. socal's the business division of california. and i sure miss it.
at this point, i can't really say much about this place. and if you let me choose, i'd pick socal (anaheim) in a heartbeat. but that doesn't mean i don't like it here. it has its own benefits and exploring a new place is something i've been doing all my life. i just have to get used to it. adaptation is key.
but socal. that is my home.
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Saturday, September 20, 2003
no goodbyes.
just tears.
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
three more days until i leave. it's frightening how i can count down the days on only one hand.
has time gone by that quickly?
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Saturday, September 13, 2003
i've not smiled nor laughed this much in a long time.
and it's all thanks to that little area that started every close relationship (friendship, romance, or family) i cherish: the band room, #401.
i'm finally home.
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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
so i started a train of posts from my friends after they had read either my site, or the correspondent, joe's, site. i'm not saying that everyone wrote on the same topic; i'm saying that it's really cool how someone else can spark that imagination nerve and get you to write again. somehow, we're connected.
i have yet another post.
the "small stuff". everyone has at least heard of the phrase, if they haven't used it in their conversations already. so what actually is the "small stuff" we refer to? logically, it is different for each and every person, but there is a connection among all of them: the adjective in front of the noun. "small": so basically, we're talking about insignificant things that don't matter now, won't ever matter later, right?
or are we? i've heard from both ends. "the small things make up the big picture" on one side, "don't sweat the small stuff" on the other. these sayings are so overused that i'd be surprised if you (the reader) hadn't heard of it before.
consider the former quote. so this means each second counts. am i wasting time right now, typing this jibberish out, or am i managing time correctly by speaking my mind, no matter how incomprehensible my thoughts are? was the simple 'hi' i said to the homeless man considered friendly, or was it mental? was calling my friend to reminisce over inside jokes a waste of his time, or was it his first smile of the day?
then consider the latter quote. i spilled coke on the carpet. oh, well. i'll clean it up, good as new. i forgot to wash the dishes. i can do it tomorrow. i just bought gum for 99 cents, only to find an unopened pack in my purse. the more, the better, i guess. i forgot to tell mom how much i love her today. she probably knows.
both make sense, the mentality behind it. but i wonder... are some people too caught up in the small stuff they miss the finished painting? or are they so focused on the big picture that minute details don't really matter?
both seem detrimental.
i did tell my mom i loved her today. i am glad for that. i did call my friend to laugh about nothing. a trace of a smile is still left on the corner of my mouth. despite all the many other things i have to do, i did post (thanks for reading!). my mind seems lighter. but i didn't pick up the trash in my room. should i have, or can it wait until tomorrow?
i have spilled liquids on carpet before. but i always did clean it up. i have gotten not-so-great grades on tests. but my class grades are always plausible. i have forgotten to do a lot of errands today. i feel guilty, but tomorrow's already here. i did buy a pack of gum for 99 cents. but when i went shopping, i realized i was 84 cents short. if only i hadn't spent that dollar...
as much as i want to forget the details, they are there, just waiting to be corrected. and even as i correct them, there's a whole canvas yearning to be painted. if something, no matter how miniscule, is important to you in some way or form, then it will affect you soon enough. but some things shouldn't weigh you down.
a despicable rumor about you shouldn't break your day, or even let a frown on your face.
just remember though, that even if the above holds true, it still was just a simple smile that we cast at each other that resulted in such an amazing friendship.
it's just that the smile was much more important to me...
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Monday, September 08, 2003
it's been a while since i last updated. but here i am with a very good topic, so i hope this will compensate for my absense.
topic in discussion: mind and heart
before you start to consider this post just another one of those "cliche" essays, i would really like for you to glance through this. it not only talks about how i think about this topic, but also of other people i know. and besides, i want for all of you to find the balance between these two organs anyway. just... give it a chance. and if you find an affinity to what i say, peruse as you wish and then leave a comment. input allows me to brainstorm yet again. okay, let"s start.
let"s say i were to make you pick between the two. "which would you most likely follow? the mind or the heart?" and then, i'd be dealing with two groups, pro-mind and pro-heart (or maybe even, anti-mind and anti-heart). whichever way you look at it, i have here two groups that will react differently in given situations. there's that generalization that the "mind" group is all brains and unromantic. and there's that stereotype for the "herat" group that they are all emotional and tactless. okay... so maybe some people prove these generalizations right, but there are a handful of you who might be thinking, "i am of the 'mind' group, but i am definitely a romantic." and i will not disagree with you. for one, i don't believe in stereotypes, and two, i know a person who's just like that. just for the topic's sake, i will tell you which category i belong in: the mind.
i used to be all heart. "do what your heart says", "what does your heart want?" ... things like that appealed to me. i'd always bring the emotional side into the situation. "if i did this, i'd be successful but would i be happy?" or maybe that grew into something more like, "but if i'm not happy, am i really successful?" and so i always thought about how i would feel. and time started up again from there. mind was second in my order of importance: without my heart picking for me, my mind cannot agree, i thought.
and so i have lived that way for almost eighteen years. it got me this far, whether people like it or not. that made me the person i was, the person i am now. but on this summer day, i decide to switch sides. i am of mind now.
why so, you ask? it's simply complicated, or maybe it's a complicated simplicity. both can work here. i am either seeing it as something insignificant, or making it too important for its own good.
i've been in a rather indifferent mood for the past 2-3 days. daily occurences neither bored me nor stirred me. you could say i was "dead" while alive. and then something dawned on me. my mind finally gave me a clue as to why i had been acting so.
for the past three months, i had been acting solely from the heart. everything i did was based on what my heart wanted, what my heart desired. i look at the numerous scars and i realize i had made such a huge mistake.
"the heart is blind," i thought to myself quietly.
my heart, along with yours and everyone else's, does not have a mind of its own. it cannot think for itself, it only acts upon instinct. while impulsiveness can assure you action, it does not assure a safe one. and though it has eyes to see within, it does not have vision of reality. to see within the dark obscurity means that it cannot see the plain, simple things the mind is so easily capable of seeing. the heart is the most important organ, but is it the wisest?
and my mind noticed the difference, see. it had caught up on the unusual ways of the heart. and it told me this:
you have told me to follow the heart, so i have done as i have been told. but this stirring of composure and security requires that i take over. please, let me lead, even if it is just this once."
so i let it.
i learned a whole lot from that. my great friend vu once told me, "the mind is there so that the heart, when wandering its ways, does not get lost. it is there so that it protects the heart from harm." and i beamed at the new found information. no one has described the connection between the two organs as he had before, and i was bound to let that seep in with my beliefs. robert frost once said, "give all to love," but another wise man said, "never give all to love." now which is true? robert frost must have been in the heart group, because the latter is of the mind group, and i believe in the second.
i have not quite abandoned my heart. as a matter of fact, it still has a huge impact on the things i say and do. but not as much as it used to. my mind, i found out, had to have been placed above all other organs for a reason.
now, i think that i have been able to do the things i have been doing, i had been able to follow my heart, because my mind was willing to go with it. it was supporting everything the heart wanted, good or bad, simply because it had to. but with my mind in lead, my heart realizes the protection it gives. the mind is capable to withstanding more scars that the heart, for the mind has counterattacks while the heart knows not of defense. my mind has willingly become my heart's bodyguard.
i realize now, that for me to have been able to do all the things i had been doing, it needed my mind's consent. with both mind and heart concurring, i moved along. and it goes for heart followers as well as mind followers. without one making way for the other, following the other, or agreeing with the other, nothing will happen. it is the accord of both organs that make for the right decisions and yield the most promising results.
i am experiencing, right now, a dissonance between my mind and my heart. perhaps this is because my mind is new to the leadership position, or because my heart doesn't want to hand over its powers. whichever the case, i am in an unbalanced state. my mind is looking right when my heart stares to the left. i am out-of-step to the music that used to be harmony, before this repelling began. i need to either find the melody again, or make a new one. i don't want this to last. i don't want to fight a war within myself.
mind person or heart person, each have every right to follow their dominant voice. but choose well, and maybe, for once, let the other organ have a chance. they may bring some amazing insights. look at me; i even switched sides.
even if i do go back to following my heart again (and i will if it helps this disagreement within me), i will most definitely give way to my mind. because i believe now, that the mind works for two; itself and the heart.
let both mind and heart listen. agree.
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thought of the day:
"listen and silent are composed of the same letters." -unknown
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Wednesday, September 03, 2003
"everyone has a past. i don't care about your past. i only want to know if there will be a 'me' in your future. i want you to be mine. so that i can kiss you and cuddle with yout anytime i want to." -unknown
thought of the day:
everything in this world seems so much more beautiful when you're in love.
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it's great to be back. missed you all. especially you
thanks.
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